My Son, My Son… by Cindy Baker
When I awoke on Friday, June 17, I had two wonderful, gorgeous, athletic and talented  boys, Tyson, 28 and Tieg, 22. That afternoon, I had one. My younger son, Tieg jumped to his death in the mountains behind Boulder, Colorado and left devastated family and friends to ask the same question over and over and over again. Why? Why? Please God, Why? Tyson and Tieg were almost six years apart and they were so close in spite of the age gap. Growing up there were disagreements and strains on their relationship but they were short-lived and always, in the end, seemed to strengthen their bond. We have hundreds of pictures of them on all sorts of occasions and in almost all of them they have grabbed each other to tease, act bigger or stronger and always had big smiles and their arms around each other. They were so tight. Tieg was the mellowest of babies. I would swear that he never cried but I know that can’t be true. Besides, we took miles of videos of the boys and in a couple he was frustrated. Tyson would always come to his rescue. When he was sick he just got pale and sleepy. I can’t remember him complaining much at all. I know he must have at times but searching my mind I remember only a determined, energetic and most of all, happy baby with quick motor skills (walked at eight months), an exuberant toddler and a fearless young boy. Tieg spent so much time watching his brother play sports that it was natural that when it came time for him to start his first sport, gymnastics. He knew the routine and excelled as had Tyson. Then came swimming, soccer, baseball, basketball, football and volleyball. Tyson was always supportive and nurtured Tieg in all his endeavors. Tieg, in turn, followed bravely, faithfully and joyfully in his brother’s footsteps. When the boys were small until they were in high school we had a volleyball court that was sort of on our property. All the really good players in town played there at some time or other and our boys would watch and then pepper (bump to each other) during breaks. We were surprised at what they picked up so quickly. Many of the great players in Boulder would show up on Sunday mornings The AVP (Pro volleyball) players in town would ask around for a practice court when they were in town and in time our court would be mentioned. One day, one of the top players in the nation showed up and played with the big guys. He bumped with our boys. Tyson and Tieg were awed at his skills but treated him in the fun-loving, jostling style that they engaged in with everyone who visited our court. Those were marvelous springs and summers and falls. Tieg developed a wonderful dry wit through his early adolescence. As long as I can remember, he and Tyson always had goofy signals to relay how old fashioned or “out of it” their aging parents were. As Tyson began to spend more time at volleyball practice, parties and road trips, Tieg was sometimes stuck with the old fogies when he wasn‘t at practice, studying or hanging out with his own myriad of friends. When he was just chilling out at home his wit was so droll and his timing so perfect that he had his dad and I in stitches the whole time. Nobody has or ever will make me laugh so much and so hard as did Tieg. Tieg was beyond excellent in school in math and sciences. At his Middle School, he and some of his classmates were bused to Boulder High School to take math courses. At Boulder High the district paid to have him take math and science classes at the University of Colorado. Tieg wasn’t the only one, but like everything else, he took it all with a grain of salt. He was never afraid or nervous about things. He was like that with everything. I also never ever saw him act cocky or on the opposite end of the spectrum, nor ever truly riled (lost it) over anything. This was also true in sports. His demeanor was calm and composed on the playing field or off. Everyone around him wanted to breathe in his steady composure and his love of life. Tieg spent his free Friday and Saturday nights with his friends. Occasionally the bigger parties would be raided by the Police to ticket underage drinkers. Tieg collected his breathalyzer mouth pieces to show us that he took the athletes’ oath at Boulder High and that he didn’t drink. After he died I spent a year and a half looking at the overflowing Abercrombie and Fitch shopping bag of photos he had taken before I dragged it out of his closet and went through the pictures one by one. I now know Tieg was not as innocent as he claimed when it came to alcohol. I never saw him at home looking high. But it was late when he got home and he’d go right to bed. He always looked chipper in the mornings. His dad and I let him go with the class to spring break in Mexico. He took a ton of pictures and going through the bag, I saw some where he definitely had been drinking I really don’t take solace in the fact that his friends were drinking too. Later, in the CU dorm he got two alcohol tickets both for not reporting that his roommates were drinking in the dorm. I bought the story and supported him even though he had to drop out of CU that semester and lose his credits, book fees, and tuition. Most high school boys have a stream of girlfriends. Tieg didn’t. He had a couple of serious relationships in his short life. When his first real relationship in High School started to go awry, Tieg came home one Saturday night and took some of my sleeping pills. In my sleep, I heard the cupboard door open and close in the kitchen where I kept my medicine along with the over the counter ibuprofen etc. The boys would often come home after practice and hit the ibuprofen so at first I thought nothing of it. Then something told me to jolt out of bed and race into the kitchen just as he was returning my prescription. I screamed in disbelief but he was so scared and disappointed in himself that I didn’t take time to question or lecture him. I rushed him to the car and came back to change into pants and get some shoes and off we were to the hospital. The doctors cleansed his blood and then transferred him to a nearby psychiatric unit where he stayed for two days. Tyson was there every minute he could. They both hung in there together and later chalked it off to a stupid moment. Tieg’s college girlfriend was a serious and emotionally involved relationship. They loved each other deeply and spent all their extra time together. Eventually they broke up. He didn’t tell us for weeks and weeks. A year later he told me it happened on my birthday when she didn’t join us for dinner. He never revealed anything more. We never expected anything differently from him. I came to realize what great friends they remained. As always, Tieg kept up his nonchalance and contagiously happy and funny exterior. Tieg passed up football scholarships to Amherst on the east coast and to the School of Mines in nearby Golden, Colorado. He was offered a full ride to both schools. The school of mines was an outstanding engineering school. Coincidently Tieg eventually became an engineering student after studying architecture. However, no matter the stakes, his heart was set to “walk on” the football team at the University of Colorado in Boulder. He had been a superior player At Boulder High (voted Outstanding Defensive Player his senior year) and was full of confidence. He also led his volleyball team to win state as a setter from his freshman year on. His freshman year at CU he got to suit up in football at CU but didn’t see any playing time. His sophomore year he wasn’t invited back. No one will ever even remotely know how much it broke that young boy‘s heart. His grades started to fall and he had a hard time going to class. I suggested he go to see someone at the school health clinic which he did but I don’t think he followed through with his appointments and he was adamant that the anti-depression medicine made him feel really strange. My opinion now is that he could have been on too high a dose and had he continued to see the psychologist he may have worked with the dose and maybe have gotten him out of the depression (which I know in my heart was a bipolar incident). When the depression lifted Tieg went back to earning high grades. When his engineering professors talked to me after his death they had nothing but praise for his recent work and for him. Tieg and I talked on the phone a lot all through college. We would go out to lunch two or three times a week. Alcoholism and bipolar conditions are in the history of my family. When I would bring these two onerous diseases up in our conversations, Tieg would say “I know, I know, Mom but I’m made of a stronger breed”. I often tried to engage him in conversations of how invasive these hereditary diseases were and how they could ruin the most promising futures. I still wish I could have spent more time on the subject of depression but he would always want to change the subject to something more inspiring. He would end our conversations with an endearing “You’re the best Mom in the world!” My heart would melt. Tieg enrolled and paid for his tuition and books for the fall semester of 2005 in early June. He had plans of finishing engineering with honors and then take a year off traveling before he decided whether to go back to school or get an entry job. I promised him I would help him every step of the way. He always worked extra jobs in college and was thinking of getting a cushy job along with some manageable classes that summer before he had to face the rigors of school that fall. He was so looking forward to his classes. One morning Tieg called me as I was on my way to hike and asked me to borrow a credit card. I said sure but could I leave it by the door as I had someone picking me up soon. He casually asked me to stay for a minute as he was just jumping in his car. I waited for him at the gate and his dad was just leaving on an errand when he drove up. He came over to me and swung me around, and around, gave me a gigantic kiss and loudly exclaimed “You’re the best mom in the world!” I was a little taken aback but I thought something really special was happening in his life. My ride was driving up. He gently let me down and stared deep into my eyes. I could see something different in his stare and as I play it over and over in my head I know it was a look of pure love. Then he went over to his dad and hugged, joked and jostled with him. That was the last we were to see our beloved son alive. As I returned from my hike, my husband said that I’d better get on the phone. Tyson had receive a text message from Tieg that said to the effect that he wanted Tyson to know how much he loved him and could he please take care of everyone. My heart began to race as I called the police and began to speed as fast as I could to his apartment. I motioned to the woman police officer parked nearby by the curb to follow me into his apartment. Even though she was there because of my call, she was strangely put off by my huge sense of urgency. We looked for Tieg but he wasn’t there. We woke a roommate who said Tieg had been fine the night before, even in a better mood that ever. A policewoman should have been trained to look for a suicide note but she didn’t and later they found it right there sitting on his desk. She asked me to fill out some forms at the downtown station. As we were racing back to the cars, I suddenly blurted out the exact road to take to find him. No response. In a panic, I answered questions at the station, no one reacted or responded with the least amount of urgency to me as I thought of things to say and tried to fill out the paperwork through my tears. The policewoman then escorted me home. As I sat on the swing outside as the policeman couldn’t get a signal inside, she stood out in the yard. There were a few calls but she didn’t even look or speak to me after she hung up. I felt as if I was slowly walking into a deep, dark pool. It was unbearable as time ticked slowly by and I began to lose my hopes and dreams for Tieg. At last a call came in and she told me they had found Tieg’s car on Flagstaff Mountain. That was all she wanted to tell me until I wrenched from her that there was a person there also. I must have screamed five times asking if he was alive before she said “No”. He had jumped to his death from the place he thought of as his secret solace spot. During the days to follow, I cried until I was exhausted every day. I became numb. I dragged myself through all the decisions that were to be made. My husband was lost in his grief and left everything to me. I couldn’t have done anything without my three wonderful sisters. We searched Boulder for a place to hold the Celebration of life for three days. We got home one night, tired and full of sorrow. We all looked at each other and the decision was made. It would be held at our home. My husband had carefully nurtured our acre for over thirty years and it looked beautiful. Not a morsel of food would pass through my mouth, nor any other arrangements would be made without the help of our friends. They were there following orders of our dear friend John and my three sisters and dear sister and brother-in-law. When the Celebration of Life day arrived there were friends all over the acre stringing ribbons, setting up chairs and food tables, blowing every leaf off the grass, setting up a shuttle service so people could find places to park and not have to walk far. None of this was within my ability to coordinate. I am so grateful for my family and friends. The ceremony was beautiful, I know. Everyone talked about it for months. Tyson gave a loving and sweetly humorous speech he intended would lift people’s spirits and let them know his love for an awesome little brother. He gave much of the credit for our close, loving family to the wonderful presence of Tieg. He was so proud of his “little bro” . His friends also spoke eloquently of his most special life. One of his high school teachers (that Tieg adored for his toughness) also spoke of his eagerness to be challenged by such an outstanding student. Six hundred and more celebrated Tieg’s life with us. We were stricken and didn’t remember anything at first but people would stop by or call in the weeks and months following Tieg’s passing to tell us what a peaceful and glorious ceremony they experienced and to talk about Tieg, Little by little the pieces would fall into place and we would remember the loving feelings that graced the day. I had heard of the steps of grieving but I thought it not for me. I had another grief resounding through my body that had never been released forty-seven years before. I knew of the poisonous grief that can grip your innocence and destroy part of you. You see, my little brother had been hit and killed by a car when I was ten and he was three.. Our family was so distraught that we couldn’t talk about our dear little brother after that. Even today my three sisters and I burst into tears when he is remembered. How could I now grieve? I didn’t know how. Afterwards, when I could drag myself out of bed, I didn’t go anywhere. The minutes and hours and days and even months past a year that followed were a blur. I concentrated on getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other and breathing, Later when I would venture out. I could hardly bear it when I see an acquaintance and I knew I’d not be able to speak of Tieg. Often they wouldn’t bring up Tieg at all and still tears would trickle down my face. Other times they would start to mention him and then the tears would gush. Even today I have no idea what my reaction will be. I cringe to think of the discomfort I’ve caused others but I still have no control over my emotions. The best, I found, was when people say “I’m so sorry” and leave it at that. Depending on our relationship a hug can help me find a bit of peace. Occasionally people will slip on to another conversation and I am able to collect myself and speak coherently about their family or things going on in their lives. I can walk away without that feeling of utter sorrow. My loving psychiatrist gently let me know that it would be at least five years before I would gradually stop being paralyzed and heartbroken. She would also ask me each weekly session if I had come to “respect” Tieg’s decision. I couldn’t fathom that! However, after long painstaking work with her, I could finally say “yes”. In my stupor during the first year I held on to one thing. I would eventually work hard to talk about Tieg with family and close friends. I learned that this time the curtain of silence would not fall over this. Maybe now I could go through the stages of grief instead of facing complete hollowness. Even now, my chest aches as if I’ve taken a hard blow. I am working hard to not to see a landscape lifeless and dull. I joined a group called Heartbeat for families and friends of suicides. It was so hard but I made myself go. I do gain solace in knowing we’re not the only ones. My son and husband and sisters and I spend hours poring over albums and watching numerous videos of Tieg and Ty. We talk about Tieg. Talking about him when he was little and when he was in middle school and in high school and in college. Talking about him as a son and a brother and a nephew and a grandson and a friend. Tieg the sweet baby. Tieg the toddler. The funny adolescent. The serious scholar. The volleyball player .The fearless football player. There are so many memories of Tieg. Tieg with periwinkle eyes and blond hair and sweet smile. We ask ourselves how we will live without him. We ask ourselves how Tieg could have done this to us. We ask ourselves how Tieg could have done this to himself. We don’t have any answers. We’ve given up looking for “why”. All we know for sure is that we love him. And we’ll keep on loving him. We talk to him all the time hoping that he’s out there listening. With his big smile and his periwinkle eyes. Loving us all back. |
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